I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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