I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
