Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
