she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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