Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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