Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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