We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
