Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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