i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
