I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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