If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
