I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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