I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
