Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
