My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
