Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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