I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
