I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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