Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize