I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
