4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
