If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize