i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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