took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize