how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
