I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize