I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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