dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
