Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
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