I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
