why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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