fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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