That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
