mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
