when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
