Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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