What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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