I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
