Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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