Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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