Reggie can tackle my bush.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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