Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
