Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
