I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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