theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
