i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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