I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
