i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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