I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
How naked do you want me to be?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
