i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
