I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize