i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
