I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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