I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
