I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
