he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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