You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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