I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize
