Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
