Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
